Smile God loves you . But I don't (Humor)

Sometimes we need a good laugh

Someone on the upper west side of Manhattan has a real creative imagination.

How did we ever get along without the Internet? Today we can pay bills, upload family movies, book vacations, and so much more. An interesting conversation came up a few weeks ago while waiting in a doctor's office. One of his assistants said; "I wonder what Heaven is like? Since no one is returning from the dead it's impossible to know."

Naturally, since I have a warped sense of humor, I said; "Wouldn't it be nice if there was a site called where you can post your after life experience." When you think about it there are travel logs for everything these days. People rate hotels and vacation spots, so why not a place to express your opinion of the afterlife.
Maybe it could go something like this:
"Well I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised. The only problem was that Saint Peter took a long time checking everyone's eternal passport. You would be surprised at how many uninvited guests try to sneak in."
Bob from Seattle, Wash.
"I was very impressed with the Pearly Gates. I think Tiffany helped in the design. It took a while locating lost relatives since their computers were down the day I arrived. We did finally meet up and everyone was glad to see me. Although they were surprised that I had died."
Carol from Sydney, Australia.
"I really like the place, it's better than I imagined. My wife and I are staying at Plato's Retreat (No connection to the one in NYC during the 70's) My only complaint is that there are too many theme parks. Old timers claim it has gotten worse since Disney arrived. It seems commercialism is everywhere these days."
Nicholas and Anastasia from Athens, Greece.
Who knows, anything could be possible in the future.

Ahhh...Marital Bliss

A therapist was holding a seminar on how often married couples have sexual intercourse.
He started by noting that most newlyweds have sex at least 2-3 times a week.
Between the years of 1 and 5 it lowers to maybe once a week.
From years 5 -10 it dwindles down to once or twice a month.
He said after that  it usually turns into hallway sex.
One of his confused students raised his hand and asked; “What’s hallway sex?”
The therapist explained; "That’s when you pass each other in the hall and go"
“F--K You!!!” and your spouse replies: “No…F--K you!!!”

People never cease to amaze me (Humor)

I purchased a new mattress set this weekend so I put an ad on Craig's list to sell the old one. When the delivery men came I asked them to move the old box spring into my driveway. I wanted to take some pictures before it was placed in the garage. The ad had ‘4’ vivid pictures, a definition of what I was selling, (Queen sized box spring) and the statement that, “it’s clean and bug free.” I don’t mind serious inquires, but I have to get somewhat sarcastic when I'm asked stupid questions. Here are some of the queries I received; you can’t make this stuff up.
Q - "You say the box spring is clean and has no bugs, so why do you have pictures of it outside?"
My Reply - "It was complaining that it never got to play in the yard."
Q – “What does it look like?”
My Reply – “I’m sorry but that’s classified information.”
              (This response was because there were '4' pics)

Q – “I see you’re selling a box spring under household items. Do you also have any jewelry for sale?” (This one really had me stumped, but I had to reply)
My Reply – “I was storing my valuables in it after the banking collapse so there may be a trinket or two left inside.”

And my favorite...
Q - "Do you still have the box spring, and does it squeak?"
My Reply - "Not since the mouse that lived inside died."

Here's looking at you

A stunning brunette walks into a bar and sits down. A young gentleman sees her and strikes up a conversation. They find many things in common and their talk gets intense. During a heated debate the brunette becomes excited and her glass eye pops out. Without skipping a beat  her suitor snatches the eye in mid air and hands it back to her. She calmly replaces it as if nothing happened.

Time passes and she suggests they go back to her apartment. Soon they're intertwined in some passionate kissing and the man makes his more. Suddenly she stops and pushes him away. He asks, "What's wrong." She replies, "Don't think you're going all the way tonight. The only reason you got this far was that you caught my eye." 

Oooooo that was bad, it sounded a lot funnier when I had a few drinks in me.

Ode to a March snowfall

I wanted a break from shoveling snow...
But I guess the answer to that was no.
Everything looks so pretty covered in white...
But enough already, all right !!!
At this point I am sooo sooo tired...
I think the weatherman should be fired.

Give a helping hand

I think I figured out why my bird bath wasn't attracting any birds.
(Halloween 2014)

Look out here I come

While waiting in my doctor's office I overheard a young boy and his Grandmother talking. She asked him how was his first day at school and he replied that he got hurt. So she asked what happened.
He said; "I was playing with some friends and ran into a tree." 
With surprise she asked; "Oh my God, why did you run into the tree?"
In the voice of innocence he replied;  "Because the tree didn't move."
Everyone in the office burst out laughing. 

Aging like a fine wine my ass...

As another birthday rapidly approaches, and the avalanche of cards descends upon me (notice I haven't lost my sense of sarcasm) one in particular stands out. As the decades pass (mind you I said decades not years) my body has succumbed to the painful realities of getting older (again notice I said older and not old. The concept of denial is a wonderful coping mechanism). So when I opened one particular greeting I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I hope it gives you a chuckle too. (Thanks, Karla)

Outside of card
Inside of card

Make your own snow at home

During the Polar Vortex an arctic blast of cold crept it's way down to my area. At the time I had read on-line how people were making snow by throwing boiling water into the air. Since I figured this was a rare opportunity I decided to try it myself. So I set up my camera and tested the theory. Well lo and behold it turns out it worked. Here's my video with undeniable proof.

Pot vs Alcohol (Joke of the day)

There seems to be a lot of controversy since marijuana has become legal in some states. The age old debate as to which can cause you more harm has been reignited. 
As a certifiable test subject, who consumed both for years, I can honestly say that neither has any long term effect on the brain. 
The only problem I noticed lately is that  my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

A long time ago a friend laid these words of wisdom at my feet; "Perfection is not what it's cracked up to be." It's winter, it's cold and dreary, and those tiny falling ice crystals are slowing accumulating . This heavy snow has imprisoned one of my bikes in a newly formed glacier which was once my driveway.

So unfortunately I'm stuck indoors and I'm playing with my BLOG. - BIG mistake!!! - Ironically I wrote a short story awhile ago explaining why that isn't a good idea. Do I learn from my past mishaps...NO! So now I lay victim to a new disease called...
(BOCDS) 'Blogger Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Syndrome.'
The warning signs are;
1 - The need to constantly add postings to your BLOG.
2 - The compulsion desire to correct or update what you just wrote.
3 - An insatiable addiction to have as many 'Followers' as possible.
**(This has a rebound effect since no one is actually following)**
4 - An uncontrollable fixation with changing your template or profile.

The seriousness of this affliction came to light after police would respond to missing persons reports. The lost family member would be found sitting at their computer monitor with a glazed over look in their eyes. As the victim was lead away you could hear a feeble mumbling about making just one more correction. A form of shock treatment has recently been tested where the victim is placed in front of a monitor in a closed room. Then a loud blaring sound is emitted stunning the patient back to reality. It only has a 40% success rate.

At present there is no know cure for this affliction. The AMA has recommended that if you find yourself Blogging for 4 hours or more, immediately seek medical help. However there is a temporary solution that involves an on-line 12 step program. The only problem is that you have to Log-In and this somewhat defeats the whole purpose. Keep tuned to this BLOG for updated information.
(Disclaimer: No motorcycles were harmed in the making of this BLOG. Models were used.)

Today is November 11th 2013, or to put it numerically 11-12-13. A lot of people think of these numerical dates as lucky, which is why so many pick them to get married. But I'm wondering if this is my lucky or unlucky day. 
When I woke up this morning I got out of bed on the left side. I usually get out on the right, so technically I got up on the 'wrong side of the bed.' But that's just superstition, right? As I went out to get the newspaper a black cat ran across my path. That's superstition too I guess.
I drove around all day doing errands and hit every red light in a row. I guess that's just coincidence. Then I came home and my cable TV wasn't working.
Hmmm...So I figured I'd just get some Chinese food and watch a DVD tonight.
I picked up the food, came home, set up everything, and opened my fortune cookie. 
Here's a pic of the cookie. OK, now I'm starting to get a little worried.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

 Wherever you go today you are bombarded with signs. Between advertisements, street signs, posters, etc there is an assault on the senses. The human brain can only absorb so much that after awhile everything is a blur. So I figured I'd post some signs that will hopefully make you laugh. Because with everything that's going on in the world we all need a good laugh every now and then. The first one I took while visiting Wales a few years ago.
Enjoy. (Best viewed on FireFox and Google Chrome)
And I thought Viagra was the best

I wonder if this is how Shakespeare 
got his inspiration

 Use this...

When you're having this...

So you don't get this. 

 This one speaks for itself.

Halloween 2013

As a baby-boomer growing up in the 50's and 60's Halloween was just starting to become a real holiday. The local drug stores proudly displayed their cheap plastic masks with elastic supports. Every kid loved dressing up and getting 'Free' candy from strangers. During that time period we never worried about someone disguising Ex-lax as a chocolate treat. As my kids grew I passed on the tradition. As they grew into adults I still tried to keep the spirit alive. It's one thing to decorate for Christmas, but how many ways can you pose Santa. Halloween gave you carte blanche to let your imagination run wild. But alas all things must come to an end. Last year was probably my final glory (See video at the bottom) At least my neighbors are carrying on the tradition.  
Have a "Happy Halloween."

Backyard waterfall

There's nothing more relaxing than having the serenity of a backyard waterfall to melt your troubles away. Watch as the wild birds come to drink near the end of the video.

 A therapist gathered a group of married adults at the local school auditorium.
Once everyone was seated he proceeded with his survey.
"I'd like to thank all of you for coming and I hope you'll all be very honest. I'm taking a census on how often married couples have sex." He started out by asking some basic questions.
"How many of you have sexual relations several times a week? OK, how many have it once a week? How many have it once a month?" And so went the general inquiry.
Finally he came to the last question and apologized for having to ask something that sounded so stupid. "How many of you have sex once a year?"
All the way in the back of the room a man was feverishly waving his hands. The therapist thanked him but had to ask;
"Sir, I appreciate your candor, but why are you so excited?"
The man replied..."Tonight's the night!!!"... "Tonight's the night!!!"    

For The Birds

(This is a true story)

The call comes in, 'Elderly lady thinks someone is harassing her'. Arrive at the location and this sweetheart of a grandma answers the door. She thinks she’s getting crank phone calls.
Grandma: “I’m getting calls but no one answers. They come at all hours of the day.”   
Me: "Let’s take a look."
Hmmmm, phone is working OK, there’s a TV in the room, small bed, open window and a cockatiel (Parrot).
: “What happens when you get these calls?”
: “The phone rings, I say 'Hello' but nobody answers."
Me: "The phone is next to the open window, maybe it's your neighbor's."
Grandma: (In an insistent voice) "No, No, it's mine!"
Hmmmm again, suddenly the parrot starts mimicking a ringing telephone.
Grandma runs to the phone, picks it up and says, “Hello, Hello!"
"See this is what I’m talking about."
ME: Ok, this is going to be a loooong day.

The Meaning of Life

What is the meaning of life? Years ago a good friend of mine came to this conclusion. During a philosophical debate he paused, leaned in close, looked both ways (As if to see if anyone was listening) and said, “Do you want to know the meaning of life?”
Ever so curious I answered...'Yes'. He replied in a soft whisper, “Its all bull$hit.”

His reasoning was simple. We struggle through life worrying about the small stuff. If we're lucky enough to reach old age we realize it was all a big waste of time.

Taking that into consideration I came up with my own theory.
From the day we're born we seek the basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing. Then we focus on our secondary necessities. We may get jobs, raise families, and ultimately pursue the creature comforts that make life fun.

My belief is that one day we get all the knowledge we desire. On that day we learn the true meaning of our existence. Now here's the catch. It comes to us the split second before we die.

If this theory is correct, then God has one hell of a sense of humor.

Joke of the day (Mary and the priest)

One Sunday morning Mary O’Tool attended her local church’s mass after being delinquent for several weeks. Father O’Malley was pleasantly surprised and asked why he hadn’t seen her at services for awhile. Mary explained that she had recently lost her womanizing boyfriend, Shawn.
The priest was dumbfounded and asked what happened. Mary told him Shawn had been the victim of a mortal gun shot wound, and she was extremely distraught having been by his side when he died. Being a compassionate man he totally understood, and she was forgiven. Reluctantly he asked, “Did he have any last words.”
She responded, "All he said was...Mary put down the gun !!!"

OMG !!! - What was I thinking???

I don't know where my head was tonight. Instead of surfing the net, updating my Facebook page, blogging, tweeting or walking with my head buried in my iPhone I was actually looking up at the sky. What's wrong with me? Have I lost the desire to be part of the social network? What was I thinking? I was so mesmerized by this incredible October sunset that Instagram never even crossed my mind. I just sat there savoring an incredible light show provided by Mother Nature. I hope this is only a phase I'm going through.

(There is nothing more enjoyable than being able to master the fine art of sarcasm.)

 You will read my BLOG...

You will read my BLOG...

You will read my BLOG...

You will read my BLOG...

You will read my BLOG...
OK, now that I have your attention here's my joke of the day...
To answer that age old question...'The chicken or the egg???'
A chicken and an egg are lying back after having sex. 
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking 
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, 
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." 
(For those slow on the uptake, 'What 'came' first, the chicken or the egg?')  

A week after that vicious lady named Sandy came to town we were hit with a Nor'easter. Manhattan had virtually little snow while a few minutes away in one of the suburbs we had over 4 inches. While sipping my morning coffee I turned on my security camera monitor. My next door neighbor was vigorously shoveling snow. I wondered what it would look like if I sped up the action. Here's the results... 


Weekend one liners (Part 2)

The weekend is coming and it's waaaay past due for some; "Weekend One Liners."
 (BTW - Which way is the wheel spinning??? - Watch carefully and it changes direction)
Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Lord, if I can't be skinny,
please let all my friends be fat.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad
I take something for it.
Friends don't let friends
take ugly women home.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
No one ever says, "It's only a game."
when their team is winning.
Gargling twice a day is a good way
to see if your throat leaks.
How does a rude Italian-American  
describe where Canada is located?
He says it's; "Uppa U.S." (Upper U.S.)
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
He was in the trunk of my car when I got back from Tijuana.
(For those slow on the uptake Jesús is also a Mexican name)
If at first you don't succeed...
then skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
And last but not least... 

Weekend one-liners...

To start the weekend off right here are some one-liners you may enjoy. 
Mind you, I said you 'may' enjoy. 
(BTW - Which way is the wheel spinning??? - Watch carefully and it changes direction)

(Sign located at a customer service center)
Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite. 
(Hell and wait)
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. (unless I buy something)
One good thing about Alzheimer's is that
you get to meet new people every day.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
Hard work never killed anyone,
But why chance it?
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
I asked God for a bike, but I know he doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
Some political candidates say God told them to run for president
When I hear voices I know it’s time to up my medication.
And last but not least...
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

There’s been a lot going on in the news lately concerning the phone tapping scandals. I was aware of these kinds of shenanigans back in the ‘70’s. Fortunately communication technology was still in its primitive stages back then. Today it’s a whole different ball game. Two year ago I posted this anecdote; I think it’s even more appropriate today. So I hope you enjoy…George Orwell's 1884: Is privacy dead?

OK, anyone who has ever opened a book is familiar with GEORGE ORWELL'S '1984'.
Look...I believe in being secure and the advancements of technology, but come on...

I grew up in the days of Black & White TV. I've learned to adjust to the changing times. I have a computer, cell phone, my Wi-Fi has replaced my High-Fi and so on. Now my problem is that I'm afraid to scratch my ass without it being posted on YouTube.

I figure I'm being captured by surveillance cameras at least 147 times a day. I can always be located by triangulation with my cell phone. My computer has anti-virus, anti-spyware, and is surrounded by anti-personal mines so no one will steal it. My home phone is probably tapped (Look, I've been there) and there's a spy satellite somewhere in outer space watching my every move.

I need a break. For the next hour I'm turning off my cell, unplugging my phone, shutting down my computer and hiding in my closet. I need some alone time.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling but senility is new to me.

Sara, Sadie, Sid & Sam

Sara saw Sadie sitting, sullenly sipping sweet succulent strawberry smoothies.
(I hope you like that line, I worked my ‘S’ off conjuring it up)
Sara suddenly turns to Sadie and says; “Sid has sadly lost all sexual interest in me.”
“He doesn’t pay me compliments, or bring me flowers or show me any attention.”
Sadie says to Sara; “Ha, I’ve got you beat. Sam doesn’t care if I cheat on him.”
Sara was shocked and said; “Why do you say that?”
Sadie shot back…
”I told him I was having an affair and he said…good, is it going to be catered?"

Ahhh...sweet, sweet sleep.

Sleep, that heavenly state of bliss we seek to acquire every night. Without it we couldn't function. Every living creature on this planet needs some form of it. Sometimes it eludes us, other times we deprive ourselves of it, but most of the time we look forward to that escape at the end of the day. At times it's misrepresented, such as; "The Big Sleep", "Sleeping with the fishes" and putting our beloved pets "to sleep." Back in 1961 when transistor radios first made their appearance the song "Sleep" by Little Willie John hit the airways. I recently found it on YouTube. The creator of the video depicted the pleasures of that wonderful state of rest.
I hope you find it as amusing as I did, and may you have pleasant dreams tonight.

With Easter approaching little Johnny made his yearly pilgrimage to church to confess his sins. He entered the confessional, knelt down and blessed himself. Father O’Malley just happened to be doing the reconciliation or penance that day. Johnny went through the usual ritual and admitted that he had taken improper actions with one of the girls at school.
The good father wasn’t at all surprised and began asking him questions.
“Was it the one they call loose Sally?” Johnny replied; “No father.”
“What about that carefree spirit Angie?” Again the answer was no.
“Don’t tell me it was that she devil Alice”
Johnny insisted that he couldn’t divulge the girl’s name.
When absolution was finally given Father ‘O’ asked if he felt good about his confession.
Johnny replied; “I sure do father...I now have 3 new prospects.”

The feeling is mutual

A female patient sat nervously in her dentist’s chair. She was told to open wide and the sound of his drill sent shivers down her spine. Suddenly the dentist felt his testicles in a tight vise like grip. In total astonishment he stopped what he was doing and looked at her. She stared directly into his eyes and said; “We’re not going to hurt each other…are we?”

Now that's what I call a libido

Several of us were at the gym today and the conversation came up that Jack LaLanne had just passed away. We spoke about how he kept himself fit all those years. One man remarked that when Jack was in his 80’s he was interviewed by a reporter.
Allegedly the interviewer asked him if he was still having sex.
Without missing a beat he told the reporter;  “Yes, I have sex almost everyday.”

Taken back by his quick response she immediately asked him;
“You mean to tell me you have sex almost everyday???”

At which point he replied;
“Yes, I almost had sex on Monday…I almost had sex on Tuesday…I almost had sex on Wednesday…,” and so on.
So to an inspirational man who we watched on our small Black & White TVs,
back when a microwave was just a small ripple of water at Jones Beach, I say:
“Rest in Peace, thanks for showing us how far we can push ourselves and that a sense of humor is essential for good health.”


OK, I’ve seen these stories where images of Jesus are appearing on a car window, frying pans and pancakes. (Click 'Blue' links) I know people can see almost any image on inanimate objects if they try hard enough. I was raised Catholic so I'm familiar how over zealous religious fanatics can get. Our latest participant is from Massachusetts and saw J.C's face on her 'iron.'

Alright she’s Catholic, that's no big surprise. She felt a revelation that life is going to be better, that seems to follow the pattern. And, she doesn’t plan to use it anymore…
well, DUH !!!   I mean even I wouldn’t want to be pressing my shirts with the savior’s face. He wouldn't do that if he saw my image on his iron. What's right is right, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Has anyone asked a more prevalent question, “Just how bad a housekeeper is this woman?” I mean I’ve done my share of laundries in my lifetime. Now I’m no rocket scientist, but when I saw a mark on the soleplate of the iron it meant only one thing...'I burnt something.'  In no way did I ever feel that the second coming was at hand,  although there were plenty of white shirts that went on to a better place.

So for all of you who see J.C. in your burnt pancakes, dirty car windows, greasy frying pans and scorched irons…I say, “Thank You.” You have all given me hope for the future, because it just goes to show there are people crazier than me out there.

"Tower could you repeat that ???" cute...
An air traffic controller at JFK took his elementary school kid to work.
Ahhh...the controller allowed the child to direct 5 commercial pilots on the tarmac.
Ahhh...the pilots thought the kid was funny.
Ahhh SHIT...I'm not flying out of JFK anymore.

A Christmas miracle ??? (Poem)

While tying up loose ends on my Christmas scene,
I was feeling somewhat satisfied and serene,  
All of a sudden one of my decorations starting singing,  
I spun around, banged my head and my ears began ringing,
I grabbed my camera so fast and quick,
Thinking it must be magic from Saint Nick.
But alas it was not supernatural at all,
Just the animated tree I bought at the mall.